I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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