my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
