You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
