Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
