He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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