I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
