Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
