Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
