i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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