A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
