She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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