Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
