Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
