A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Randomize
