I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
