Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Are my feet made of real feet?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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