i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
