Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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