i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
