look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
