jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Buhtt sex?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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