I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
