I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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