Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
there's paper in my vomit.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize