My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
