Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize