Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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