she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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