my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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