when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize