at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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