I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Can you bring me the toilet please
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
