At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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