i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
