Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
