I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize