Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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