Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
