The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
