I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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