he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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