I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
She's the barista slut.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
