i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
