she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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