Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
