I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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