My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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