I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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