That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
