i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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