Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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