I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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