There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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