I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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