All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
