You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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