you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
