Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
