she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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