i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
