When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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