1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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