Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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