You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Panties = found
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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