I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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