your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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